Journal Entry 01: I Want What I Can Not Have

Sometimes, I miss the rigidity and schedule that school offered me. I miss the safety that came with knowing that a certain action would cause a due reward. I knew that if I studied hard, I would get good grades in my exams. Working life is different. There isn’t a direct correlation between my work and the rewards I get out of it. There is no rule that says that if I work hard this year and that I will be guaranteed a promotion. 

I need someone to tell me exactly how to act, to be, to work, so that I can succeed. What am I ‘circling back’ to? What exactly am I ’piggybacking off of’? Whose ‘base’ am I touching? I can already feel my world shrinking. When I was younger, I ached to be an adult, with work and responsibilities. Now, I find my life decreasing to work commutes, Teams meetings and once-a-month fancy dinners with acquaintances.   

I wonder if this is the extent of what adulthood is. This constant state of contraction. Lately, realism and practicality settle into every wishful thought I have. I think that I want to be a world-class writer. This thought is whipped about by the fact that only very few writers achieve success in their lifetime. It is a herculean task to dream, these days. 

On some days, nostalgia hits hard as I remember class periods spent laughing and ‘gisting’ with my best friends. These memories crash onto me like waves, leaving me longing for the past. But then, I remember again that times were not much better then. In school, I was apprehensive about my future – I had not figured out what course or career I wanted to pursue. I was failing badly in Mathematics. I hated myself and my body. I wanted to escape from everything.

But looking back, I can only remember those secondary school moments with intense joy. Why does everything look so much better in retrospect? 

Maybe it isn’t school itself that I really miss. Perhaps I miss the freedom I had to dream? I whine and groan about adulthood but I do not really want to return to school. I know that I don’t miss going to bed with due assignments and upcoming tests on my mind. I do not miss the constant comparison to my peers. I do not miss the rigidity as much as I enjoy the freedom I experience in adulthood. 

These are still growing pains, I guess, as I ease into my new life as an adult. I must strike a balance. Between the wistfulness of my childhood dreams and the practicality of adulthood. This is the middle ground that I am struggling to attain.

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