Journal Entry 01: I Want What I Can Not Have

Sometimes, I miss the rigidity and schedule that school offered me. I miss the safety that came with knowing that a certain action would cause a due reward. I knew that if I studied hard, I would get good grades in my exams. Working life is different. There isn’t a direct correlation between my work and the rewards I get out of it. There is no rule that says that if I work hard this year and that I will be guaranteed a promotion. 

I need someone to tell me exactly how to act, to be, to work, so that I can succeed. What am I ‘circling back’ to? What exactly am I ’piggybacking off of’? Whose ‘base’ am I touching? I can already feel my world shrinking. When I was younger, I ached to be an adult, with work and responsibilities. Now, I find my life decreasing to work commutes, Teams meetings and once-a-month fancy dinners with acquaintances.   

I wonder if this is the extent of what adulthood is. This constant state of contraction. Lately, realism and practicality settle into every wishful thought I have. I think that I want to be a world-class writer. This thought is whipped about by the fact that only very few writers achieve success in their lifetime. It is a herculean task to dream, these days. 

On some days, nostalgia hits hard as I remember class periods spent laughing and ‘gisting’ with my best friends. These memories crash onto me like waves, leaving me longing for the past. But then, I remember again that times were not much better then. In school, I was apprehensive about my future – I had not figured out what course or career I wanted to pursue. I was failing badly in Mathematics. I hated myself and my body. I wanted to escape from everything.

But looking back, I can only remember those secondary school moments with intense joy. Why does everything look so much better in retrospect? 

Maybe it isn’t school itself that I really miss. Perhaps I miss the freedom I had to dream? I whine and groan about adulthood but I do not really want to return to school. I know that I don’t miss going to bed with due assignments and upcoming tests on my mind. I do not miss the constant comparison to my peers. I do not miss the rigidity as much as I enjoy the freedom I experience in adulthood. 

These are still growing pains, I guess, as I ease into my new life as an adult. I must strike a balance. Between the wistfulness of my childhood dreams and the practicality of adulthood. This is the middle ground that I am struggling to attain.


4 thoughts on “Journal Entry 01: I Want What I Can Not Have

  1. Yea, I reached the same point in my life where I realized that everything was sugar-coated when I was a child, like living a half-told truth. Its like learning that 1 + 1 = 2 then later learning that 1 + 1 = 10 in base 2. How I’m dealing with it now, man just God, plenty plenty of God because really its hard to navigate. But then again Ive found myself going back to the basics, you know with how some of my life was structured with time-tables, schedules etc but at the back of my mind I know it takes more than that to be successful, it takes God.

    Liked by 1 person

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