Adulthood has been a strange journey to embark on. I had thought that the age of enlightenment was eighteen. I thought that once I turned that age, I would finally feel secure in myself and have my life figured out. But eighteen came and went in a rather insignificant fashion. Then nineteen and twenty arrived in the same way. I marked the passing of age without feeling any wiser, or more experienced. I think the expected learning and growth happens after the birthday itself. That is only a single day, after all.
Age twenty has meant realising that I am unkind to myself and working on ways to fix that. It has meant seeing people who I thought were perfect, fail in human ways. Most importantly, I figured out the great secret that adults hide from children. That they are all winging it.
There are things about my childhood that I miss. The structure my parents had put in place for me, for example, where all I had to do was follow the rules to achieve success. Now, the adult world rewards suffering with even more suffering and evil with riches. It is the opposite of the biblical truths I had been taught – that God rewards the good and alleviates their suffering. Sometimes, I’m left asking myself, how did I get here?
As a child, I idolised adulthood because of the freedoms it held. The view is clearer now that I am in it. I am constantly reminded of all the flaws of ageing. Still, I wouldn’t like to return to a younger age. This might just be me romanticising it, but I love the possibilities that adulthood brings. Even though I am not doing what I want right now, I still could. And there is a beauty in that, that keeps me hopeful.